


Angel's Tears

by TaymeeLove



Category: Supernatural
Genre: ((that was just me trying to rhyme - but it kind of works to tell about the story)), Castiel has issues and Dean will be his tissue, Cutting, Drawing, Eating Disorder, I've figured out that that mean's that he's a bad parent, Ice Skating, It's not talked about much, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, Learning emotions through music, M/M, Song Lyrics, These tags are all pretty much pointless, What else .... ? Uhm. I think that's about it.... If I missed anything I'm sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-02
Updated: 2018-01-02
Packaged: 2019-02-27 05:23:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13241337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TaymeeLove/pseuds/TaymeeLove
Summary: Castiel's life made him feel out of control of everything, he started using tools to cope... they weren't good tools though.Dean was new to school and to the city, after a chance meeting with a blue eyed boy who reminded him too much of himself Dean wanted to save him. Little did Dean know, Castiel needed a lot more saving that he'd originally thought.





	Angel's Tears

**Author's Note:**

> I remembered Adam.... but my summaries are horrible and my tags are as well. Buuuuuut......
> 
> This story is graphic in it's writing of Castiel's cutting and eating disorder. This is by no means a broad example of these things, and should not be read as such. No two people cut for the same reasons or for that matter have an eating disorder in the same as someone else. This story is written from my own and friends experiences rolled into one person, so they will not be the same as yours or anyone else's. This also is not meant as a story to glorify having an eating disorder or self-harm.
> 
> If you or someone you know is having thoughts or actions on these things please get help in any way you can and remember to try listen to your friends who are attempting to help you get better.

Castiel entered his house after another day of school. Another day of being pushed into lockers. Another day of his books being thrown from his hands. Another day of being called names. Every day since he came to public school he was bullied. It was his name, it was his religion, it was him getting kicked out of catholic school, anything you could think of he was made fun of for.

He entered his house filled with empty beer bottles and cigarette butts alone, always alone. His father was what they call a 'functioning alcoholic' he had a day job, but when he came home at six pm the first thing he'd do is grab a beer and drink the rest of the night away until he finally passed out on the couch. His mother, at her job too, she'd be gone till about five pm and come home and pretend everything was sunshine and rainbows; while her child fought depression and anxiety at every turn and her husband drank away his life. 

He had tried everything to make himself feel better- anorexia, bulimia, drugs, you name it he'd tried it, the only thing he found that made it all better was cutting. When Castiel cut, he was bringing his inside pain to the outside, he was making his mental anguish come out in a physical way. His thighs were already covered in various scars, cuts, and self inflicted burns; his wrists were no better. Now though he was onto his ribs and shoulder, they were easier to hide. Castiel never went shirtless, and summer was beginning to get to hot to wear long sleeves all the time. Thanks to his pale skin, the scars weren't too noticeable, and the cuts were always easy to write off as accidents. 

He threw his book bag onto the floor and laid down on his bed. He stared at the ceiling as everything played over and over in his head from the day. All the names he was called, how it made him feel. He wanted to cry, but he always refused himself that relief, finding it much easier to do so with something pointy. Looking over at the wall he saw the extra thumb tacks, he grabbed one lifted up his shirt and began. He took a deep breath between each push of the object against his ribs breathing in the pain he was feeling and breathing out his anger. He wouldn't get angry, couldn't get angry. It was his own fault he was gay, right? It was his fault his father would rather drink than spend time with him, right? It was his own fault that everything was wrong in the world, right? At least, that's what he was always told, so that was what he believed. 

Castiel awoke the next day and was already dreading another day at school. He walked to school and hiked his bag up higher, three school books and his binder in his backpack, and two more in his hands so he wouldn't have to go to his locker, on his back making it bunch up his winter coat. The chill from the four inches they got last night still hanging around even after dawn. 

"Hey Cassie," a European accented voice called out to him. Castiel sighed and held his books tighter to his chest. 

"Hi, Balthazar," 

"Come on Cassie, cheer up buttercup. It's Thursday, one more day and it's the weekend. We can make snow angels." 

"Very funny, Balth. You know you're named after an angel too." 

"Yes, but these nubs don't know that, they just know that Balthazar is a demon in Charmed and won't make fun of my name 'cause they fear me." 

"Lucky," Castiel said under his breath. He was nearing his first class, so he knew that he would have to leave the comfort of Balthazar's side. 

"I'll be right here when you get out to walk home with you. It's study night tonight." 

The day went on as usual, Castiel studied and wrote notes, he passed tests and he was pushed into lockers at every turn. When the day was over Balthazar and he walked to Castiel's. He hoped that his father hadn't decided to come home early tonight and started drinking, like he often did, but he was in luck since they were alone. He didn't want Balthazar to see or even know the kind of father he lived with, the trash was enough of a clue. He was glad when his only friend didn't have to see it firsthand. Castiel showed Balthazar the simple ways school no longer taught on how to do math or remember things, in return Balthazar brought Castiel music he wasn't supposed to listen to, but was able to keep on his laptop, because his parents didn't understand them. 

"This band is really amazing, I think you'll like them. The other one on this disk is similar to them, I'm sure you'll love them too. Look, Cassie, I'd love to stay, but I'm sure your dad will be home any second now so I'll leave. See you tomorrow." 

Just like that, Balthazar left Castiel sitting there reeling in his thoughts that he knew about Cas' dad's drinking. He'd said it so nonchalant just like he always said everything, but somehow this way of speaking of his father cut worse that Castiel could ever do to himself. 

Without wanting to dwell on it anymore, Castiel ignored the ache in his side to add more to his collection, and sat down with his headphones in and pressed play on the compact disk Balth left him. 

The music was heavier than anything Castiel had ever heard. Loud drums, louder guitars, singers that sung and screamed their lyrics. He wasn't sure what to make of it, but the words in each song left gooseflesh on his arms and his eyes leaking. So much about the music spoke to him in more ways than he could ever explain and he had no idea music could mean so much to someone. 

His father opened his door to yell at him about something Castiel couldn't hear over the music, but he made sure to make his face as sad as he could for Chuck to think he was listening to the lecture he was sure he didn't need. When his father left his room, slamming the door, Castiel let his tears fall. Getting yelled at for no reason was nothing new, he could breath and his father would find something annoying in it, but it was getting harder not to fight back with each passing time it happened. 

So, he fought back the only way he knew he could. He sucked in a breath and wiped the tears from his eyes. Crying was for babies and girls anyways, he was a grown boy and they didn’t cry. He grabbed out the tac from the wall and made sure the door was closed before beginning. 

-x- 

Weeks passed since then, and Thanksgiving break was approaching now. Balthazar hadn't mentioned his father's problems again, but continued to give Castiel cd's filled with songs that spoke to Castiel with such volume that he couldn't find any words of gratitude. 

With winter finally coming closer, the snow storms were getting worse, but that also meant that the ice rinks would start opening up. Sometimes Castiel would go to them and watch the kids try and skate around or the teenage girls try and be figure skaters. This year, though, there was two new boys on the rink he'd never seen. They flowed on the ice so easily, never falling once and having fun chasing the other around when there was less people on the ice. They would stop with their blades to the side throwing ice in the air to hit the other before quickly skating away as the other pushed them into the sides of the rink and the chase began all over again. 

Castiel watched them for hours as they skated wondering how someone could skate that well, with such grace and masculinity at the same time. He wouldn't have noticed that someone had sat down next to him if they hadn't purposely hit him with their shoulder. Only glancing to the side Castiel saw it was the new kid at school that he'd seen around, but neither kid talked to the other. 

"I'm Adam." The boy next to him spoke. Castiel looked out the corner of his eye again to see the boy was staring at the same two on the ice that Castiel was. "Those are my brothers. Dean is the shorter one, he's the oldest, and Sam is the taller one, he's the middle child." Adam spoke with such pep that it hurt Castiel's ears. He was used to Balth's happiness by now, it barely registered in his brain anymore, but this new kids' gusto was worse. It didn't have an English accent to make it more bearable. 

"H- hi." Castiel said back clearing his throat, when was the last time he'd spoken to someone? "I'm Castiel." He winced as he waited for the jabs, for the laugh at his weird name, for it all, but none of it came. Looking over at Adam he saw the boy looking up like he was thinking. 

"Like the angel of Thursday?" 

"I- Yes, but most people don't know that. They just make fun of it being so weird." Why is he saying so much to this new boy? He never speaks this much. Castiel wondered why it was so easy to talk to Adam. 

"My parents are Anthropology professors. My dad works in Religion and my mom works in everything else. So we know pretty much everything about anything before we're old enough for college." Adam shrugged. "Besides, I think it's a cool name." 

Before his new friend, maybe friend, Castiel wasn't sure how one figured out who was his friend, except that they didn't push him into lockers, could speak again the shorter one that he'd mentioned was named Dean approached them. 

"Hey, kiddo. You're early today." His voice was low, melodic in a way that Castiel could listen to him read anything and it would make him sleep more soundly than he ever could imagine being able to. 

"No I'm not. It's already five, dad told me to come get you for dinner." Dean flinched when his younger brother mentioned his dad, Castiel knew that flinch all too well. 

"Sam!" Dean yelled out onto the ice. "Time to go!" 

Just like that, the three left. Adam said his goodbye's to Castiel before leaving with a smile as wide as Sam's, but Dean looked longingly at the ice like he didn't want to go, before he saw Castiel looking and put on bright smile that was just this side of fake. Castiel knew it was time to go as well. It wasn't too late, so he stopped to grab a hot cocoa to drink on the walk home. 

-X- 

Monday came with Castiel dreading school again. Most days were like this now, but Castiel had an even stronger feeling of regret getting out of bed that today would be worse than other days.  
He added a few new marks to his left ribs before he left, feeling confident that the rub of his undershirt on the healing wounds would help him get through the day. 

With every shift, his once white tee shirt pulled and suctioned to the blood marring the fabric. The shirt was thick enough though that it wasn't seen through the thick grey sweater he wore over it, to warm him in the winter chill that came in these last few weeks of fall. 

Thanksgiving is Thursday, Castiel kept reminding himself throughout the day, you only have to get through today and tomorrow then you have the rest of the week off. 

It worked until the end of the day. Castiel left Balthazar talking to his friends as he ran off and started the walk home. He walked slow, he knew Balth could catch up to him if he wanted to. Unfortunately, the feeling Castiel had when he woke up came true. 

"Watch where you're going, asshole." Kelly spoke as she pushed him into the snow that lay next to the shoveled sidewalk. 

"I- I'm sorry." Castiel spoke trying to get up. 

"I don't think you are." Kelly said through gritted teeth pushing Castiel back into the snow with her foot on his chest. "Stay there and think about it until I'm gone from your sight, sycophant." 

Castiel waited only a moment longer from when her back was turned towards him. He didn't look around to see if anyone was looking at him as he got to his feet and took off towards home. It wasn't until he got there that his lungs burned from running, that he realized he hadn't walked his normal, slow pace home. He threw his backpack off by the front door and pushed his hand back to the door back to close it while he finished his run upstairs. His sweater came off next, before he grabbed the bottom of his tee. The red stains bright over the darker brown ones from the past stuck to his skin as he ripped it free causing the wounds to open once again. 

That counted out his left side, he looked towards his right, too many cuts still healing on that side to hold any feeling for a new one. 

Pushing his bedroom door closed with his foot he felt his vision blur worse with the tears that threatened to fall since he ran from school. He scrambled towards his bed and grabbed the tack out from the wall, he looked at his skin to find a new spot until his others healed enough to use again. Sniffling, he studied, thighs didn't hurt enough, his hips were out of the question, they tickled too much to feel the pain he was searching for, and his wrists were too open for people to see he'd never use the drywall covered point on them again and risk people seeing. 

A deep breath and his decision was made. 

He knelt towards the headboard and grabbed it with his free hand while the other added new lines of red to his skin where Kelly's foot had been. 

To anyone else, he knew, they wouldn't feel the need to do this when someone just called him another word for a parasite. But, to Castiel, he felt like he was nothing but a waste of space that could be better used as another landfill for his father's empty beer cans or burnt butts of cigarettes, parasite was an all to accurate word. 

_Sycophant. Parasite. Loner. Loser. Fag. Homo. No one will ever love someone who looks like you do._ The words echoed and grew in intensity until they shouted with each new layer of red that marred his chest. A breath in between to remind himself that he was still living was the only break his hand got. 

When his left peck looked like someone had placed a waffle iron of knives on it he closed his eyes and breathed in. His hand moving on auto-pilot to put the thumbtack back into the wall and making a new hole for it. He fell back on his bed, legs still bent his feet found a new home under the pillows as his arms lay bent by his side. The come down from his high was coming, he knew it wouldn't last much longer the first peaks of his to do list coming back into his brain. He opened his arms up more until they were straight from his shoulders, hands falling off the side of his full-size bed, wrists up, and let the feeling of flying carry him through. For a moment longer he lay there basking in the feeling of his blood coming up in bubbles from the various cuts on him. 

When the world came crashing down again his brain was in full speed of what he had to do. First and foremost was to go lock the front door and grab his shoes he was pretty sure he kicked off on his way up the steps. The shirts he threw off needed to be picked up next, he'd been doing this for years now careful not to let his mother see anything, he knew she'd just blame herself and wouldn't listen to him when he would say it wasn't her fault. Homework after that and when that was finished he wasn't sure what he'd do, but he'd figure it out then. 

His ears rang like he heard an echo of his name through the swooshing sounds in his ears from the remainder of his high. Hyperaware of his surroundings he listened for his name again, but didn't hear anything else but the beat of the wind moving through his ears in the drums of whatever some was playing on the radio. 

When he felt like he was back in his own body, fully, he went to take a shower and wash out all the new and old cuts he had before his parents got home. 

-X- 

"Who was that? He looked familiar." Dean spoke to his brother on the way out to the car. 

"Castiel. He goes to our school. He was drooling over you pretty hard," Adam giggled. "You guys aren't in the same crowd though. So, you wouldn't have noticed him." 

"Adam's right." Sam cut in, "We've been at the school for about two weeks now and you have like three classes with him." 

"How do you know who's in my classes better than I do?" 

Sam just shrugged in answer, too close to the Impala now to continue to talk. Dean just hoped that whatever Adam was talking to Castiel about wasn't too personal. He knew he'd have to deal with it if John was upset about it. 

Life in the Winchester house was getting worse by the day. It started a month ago when John lost his job at the university, Mary left shortly after with some English guy that taught European History. The divorce still hung like rancid onions in the air in the house, unfortunately for Dean he'd began to take the brunt of John's anger. He was the oldest and had the smartest mouth of all the kids, and he was the one who looked the most like Mary, Adam being a close second, but he didn't have the words that came from Dean's tongue to make the lashes worse. 

Alcohol and beatings had become so regular to Dean since they moved into Bobby's cabin until John found a new job, that he mainly just let them happen now. What hadn't been regular is someone mimicking his flinch when someone saw it. Dean wished he was mistaken when he saw Castiel giving him sad eyes that spoke volumes to him being treated the same way. A great part of Dean knew that he just wanted to know who the other boy was to save him, and that part would ultimately win out. 

When they got back to school on Monday, Dean watched Castiel. The boy only had one friend at school and more often than not was pushed around for doing nothing but breathing. More than once Dean had to hold himself back, he thought that maybe just maybe Castiel would stick up for himself. 

The end of the day came and he went to follow Castiel outside to see if he wanted a ride home. What he caught instead was the end of the other boy being bullied once again, this time it seemed worse than the others. He'd yet to see Castiel with pools in his eyes of unshed tears and he hadn't seen Castiel flinch at any of the words spoken to him like he had when Kelly called him a sycophant. Dean had helped Sam enough with prep for the ACT that he knew the word was another for parasite, what he didn't know was why Castiel must have felt so much truth in that word that his face would sink and his eyes would shine with tears waiting to fall. 

He fought through the crowd that had gathered to watch Castiel be bullied to get to him and help him up, but he was too late Castiel was up and running down the street by the time he'd got to the middle. 

"You sick fucks," Dean yelled at everyone standing there. "How could you just stand there and let some cheap slut bully him! Don't you have any decency?" 

He didn't wait to see if anyone had any comments towards his as he ran after Castiel. He called the other's name the whole time he ran after him, always a few too many paces behind to catch up. Castiel turned into a driveway and ran up the steps to the house, Dean wasn't sure if he should follow or not, but the instinct in his brain said that he needed to make sure Castiel was okay before he could leave the house. 

First things first though, he needed to tell Sam and Adam he wouldn't be there to walk home with them after school. 

He grabbed out his phone and sent a quick text to Sam saying he was busy and for he and Adam to walk home together and he'd be home later for them. Sam replied moments later with a 'k'. Placated for the moment that Sam and Adam would be fine without him he placed his phone back into his pocket he walked up the steps to the house. His hand raised to knock before he saw the strap of a backpack blocking the door from being closed all the way. Rational thought said he should still knock, but instead he walked in. His own school bag placed next to Castiel's pushing them both over far enough to close the front door behind him. 

He got a good look around in the afternoon light and it looked like he was still in his own home. Aluminum cans littered every surface in the room, surrounded by, at Dean's count, at least three ashtrays overflowing with ashes and butts. The kitchen didn't look much different than the living room. He looked around for any signs as to where Castiel had ran off to and heard music coming from a room upstairs. He stopped trying to call out the other boys name and instead walked the stairs to reach the room. Dean looked down as he walked up them and saw the sweater Castiel had been wearing laying haphazardly on the steps. Picking it up on his ascend, he saw a white shirt near another slightly open door. 

The shirt blocked that door from closing too and when he went to pick it up his breath hitched. White was stained with various stages of the colors red and brown on both sides around the ribs and a few lower on the sides around where they'd lay on Castiel's hips. 

He pushed the door open ready to pounce thinking that Castiel was being beat as well and that he needed to comfort the boy for that. Instead he was face to face with the realization that Castiel had done the damage to the shirt with his own hands. 

Castiel's back was towards him, but he could see the other boy holding something in his hand with his head down as his arm moved continuously over one spot like he was scratching at his own skin. 

"Castiel?" He asked, needed the boy to know he was here, but also not sure what to do if Castiel did turn around. 

Castiel stopped his movement moments later and lay back on his bed. It was then that Dean saw that the shirt wasn't even half of the story on what the other boys abdomen would look like. Multiple cuts in different directions marred Castiel's ribs with new ones on his chest. After staring at Castiel's ribs, he saw the boy was a lot skinnier than his baggy shirts made him look. He could almost count his ribs they stuck out so much. 

He wanted to call Castiel's name again, but he almost instinctively knew that the other boy wouldn't like Dean seeing him like this. Instead, Dean quietly sat Castiel's shirt and sweater inside his room and closed the door. Walking back down the stairs he grabbed a notebook out of Castiel's bag and wrote his number down, hoping Castiel would assume it got in there during school sometime, he moved the bag away from the door and closed it on his way out. 

-X- 

When Castiel got out of his shower he grabbed his bag by the door to begin his homework while it was still quiet. Except he saw his notebook, he knew was closed last he checked, opened to a new page with a number underneath the name Dean. He racked his brain to try and remember anyone with that name that he knew. 

_"Dean is the shorter one..."_ Adam's voice came filtering in his ear from the weekend before. Dean was the boy he was staring at playing with his brother on the ice. Dean also happened to be in most of Castiel's classes, but as far as he knew Dean was far too popular to even know Castiel existed, let alone knew him enough to write his number in Castiel's notebook. He ripped the page out and folded it in fours and threw it in his bedside table; sure that Dean didn't mean for him to have his number. 

-X- 

Over the next few days Castiel took note that Dean would be around him more. Dean would sit next to him in classes without assigned seating. He would sit with Cas at lunch. It was like Castiel had become his magnet, each time he'd look at the other boy like he was crazy and each time Dean would just smile and not speak unless he was spoken to first. 

Finally at the end of the week Castiel couldn't hold his tongue anymore. 

"Why are you here?" He asked when Dean picked him to partner with in History for their final project. 

"Uhm. To learn?" Dean replied, the smile Castiel had learned to be on his face still prominent. 

"No, I mean here. With me. Why are you here?" 

"Because you seem cool." Dean shrugged as if that was any answer, "I thought we could go to the library after school and pick the person to write our paper on." 

-X- 

Later that night they met in the library, Dean itched to say something to Castiel about his big sweaters and what they hid, but he knew he had to approach it with more finesse than he was used to approaching things. 

"So, the teacher said we could choose anyone, from a president to a celebrity, but that we had to give her a list of three people by class on Monday." Dean commented while logging into a computer in the lab. "I think we should choose a celebrity a president and a 'civilian' that way we have a good list. That sound good, Cas?" 

"Sounds good," Castiel said shrugging and looking around as if he wanted to be anywhere but there and not commenting on the nickname. Dean took that as a small victory that he was breaking down the other's walls he'd built and continued on talking about the project. 

"We can do this fast if you have somewhere to be." Dean said, praying Castiel would say they didn't have to hurry. 

"Yeah, whatever." Cas said shrugging again. "What kind of things do we have to write about?" 

"Uhm." Dean pondered as he tried to find his piece of paper with their project guidelines. "Well, we have to choose someone influential. We have to say what we would have done the same and or different than them. Why they were famous or infamous. How we relate or don't relate to them. Then we have to make a slideshow or a skit to show an important part of their lives." 

"Slideshow." Castiel said, like it was final. "I doubt I'm like any of these people though." He said under his breath, though Dean heard it he knew better than to comment on how wrong he thought Castiel was ‘cause he was going to chose people that were exactly like Cas. 

Over the week of attempting to get closer to Castiel, he saw how the other boy, while being walled off from the world, actually cared about what others around him were going through. He saw Castiel give other kids his food, he saw the kid pay for whoever was behind him in the lunch line's food. Despite knowing that Castiel needed that food, he let the boy do his charity work and often asked if he wanted half of Dean's own lunch. Through this Dean found out Castiel would rather eat plain bread then anything. 

"Oh, I almost forgot. I got this for you." Dean grabbed a loaf of cheese bread out of his bag. "I thought you liked bread 'cause it's what you grab from me when I share lunch." 

"Oh. Thanks." Castiel's face was apathetic, but his eyes shined like Dean had yet to see them glow. 

They shared a small smile before Castiel put the bread in his bag and they got back to what they were there for. They chose Princess Diana, Marilyn Monroe, and because they couldn't choose a another person they agreed upon, Dean won again by choosing Billie Holiday. Essentially, Dean pushed Castiel into choosing women who were famous for amazing things in their public lives while having problems with abuse and self-destructive behaviors in their home lives. He hoped Castiel wouldn't figure this out until Dean had a chance to speak to him about these things or Castiel knew him well enough to tell him. Either way it turned out, Dean held on to the dream that he could approach the subject subtly first since he's fairly positive Castiel wouldn’t tell him. 

"So, when the teacher says what we chose is what we do, do you wanna meet back here on Monday? Or we can go to my house? Or your house?" 

"Here is fine," Castiel answered, just like Dean guessed he would. 

-X- 

Over the next few weeks, Dean and Cas would hang out every few days after school working on their project. The teacher told them the person they were approved on writing about was Princess Diana, they began researching all they could about her. Dean knew where to push the research and Castiel had yet to figure out where the pushing was going. 

Winter break was coming up though and Dean didn't like the idea of going two weeks without seeing Castiel so he brought it up. 

"What are you doing over break? We should hang out and get some work done." Dean hoped the words would come out smoothly, but after he spoke he just felt like the words were too fake. Surely Castiel would see through them and say he was busy. 

"I don't really do anything." Castiel said, his normal shrug when talking about himself in place with his monotone voice. 

"Cool. Then you're free this weekend. My brother's and I are going to buy a tree." They weren't before, but they would be now. Dean would just have to take the beating. 

"Christmas is next week, why don't you have a tree?" 

Dean was thrown by the first time Castiel actively participating in any of their conversations that he spoke the truth. 

"Dad's a religion professor, he doesn't believe in having Christmas Trees ‘cause they are just a hodgepodge of different pagan and Christian past times that lost their meaning over the years. We don't celebrate, but I thought it'd be fun to buy one anyways." 

Dean ended with a shrug hoping his face stayed neutral and he didn't look too scared of what he knew was going to happen and that he'd just spoke so much truth. In the end though, Dean was glad he shared that much truth, he couldn’t hope Cas would open up to him if he didn't open up to Castiel first. 

"Then we can put it up in my house. We don't have a tree, we've never had the money for one." Castiel said after a calculated look. 

"I'll pick you up in my uncle's car Saturday at five then," Dean said with a smile. It wasn't a date, his brothers would be there, but it was hanging out and Dean hoped it'd give Castiel two more people to befriend. 

They parted ways after Castiel gave Dean his address and cell phone number and left school, Dean was counting down the hours between Thursday and Saturday. 

-X- 

Castiel exited his house in a too big sweater and even bigger trench coat. Winter had come in full force over night, two feet of snow fell in the world around him. Castiel had stayed up as late as he could to watch it fall only slipping into bed when the street plows came through and broke the winter wonderland. 

Winter was Castiel's favorite time of the year. He loved to stare out at the snow that made everything glow grey in the night. It was beautiful and perfect. To Castiel the snow always lost some of it when touched by people. But that's how life was, right. Perfection only existed until people got in the way of it. Snow was Castiel's perfection, the only times he felt the most calm in his body was when he watched the flakes of white descend from the sky. Angel's tears, that's what Castiel saw. 

His wonderment was broken again when he heard Dean's car growl up the street. The older model gold car, which Castiel could only describe as a boat, turned into his driveway and idled for a moment. Sam, the tallest of the brother from what Castiel remembered, got out of the passenger seat with a nod of greeting to Cas before getting into the seat behind. 

"Heya Cas." Dean spoke when Cas got in and buckled his seat. He thought if Dean drove anything like the way he acted, it would be fast but still safe, which was something Cas wanted to be today. The straps across his chest rubbed on his ribs and left a calm feeling in his stomach. 

"Hey." Castiel said back, he hoped he didn't sound excited as he felt. Reality was, Dean gave him butterflies ever since the first day he walked into class and the butterflies had been steadily growing into bats lately. Cas hoped they'd stop there, but he knew that those bats would soon grow into Ravens, flying wild in his belly with no stopping. 

They ended up going to an actual tree farm. Castiel had heard such places existed, but never went to one. The evergreens went on for as far as he could see. Big trees and little trees just planted grew in straight rows around the park. Hills covered in green and white surrounded his vision until they reached the middle where three small wooden houses sat. The first house was the welcoming center where they parked and got out of the car. The second house sat a little farther up the hill and looked more like a home and barn had fused together, it was the gift center and the petting zoo where the children could pet reindeer and ask Santa for their presents. The third was the farthest back in the lot and it was, where Castiel assumed, the owners of the park lived. 

They spent a few hours walking around the rows with an associate of Santa's Woods before finding the 'perfect tree'. It was normally Sam or Adam that deemed something wrong with the trees that their feet had long since gone frozen when they finally reached the first one they agreed looked good. Dean jumped at the chance that they'd agreed with something and bought the tree before either could change their minds. 

"We'll set the tree up on your car if you want to head to the gift center for some complimentary cocoa or apple cider. If you're still here when it turns dark, we suggest you go through our lights too." The salesperson, Todd, told them before heading off to talk to another employee he would attach the tree to the car Dean with later when they got back to it.

They headed as a group to the gift center, Dean and Sam grabbed cider, while Adam and Castiel grabbed cocoa. Dean and Castiel split off from his brother's to head to the petting zoo part of the barn. Castiel tried to contain his excitement and fear as he stepped towards the beast of an animal. 

"I can see how these guys fly a sleigh full of presents for every kid," Castiel stated heading over to the reindeer labeled Cupid and pet between his antlers with a smile on his face. He jumped a bit when he felt Dean's hand touch his lower back before showing up in Cas' vision next to him, a smile firmly on his face too. Dean's smile was shyer than Castiel's, but shown brighter with the blush and freckles on his cheeks. Cas was mesmerized, he didn't even realize he was staring until his eyes got dry and he had to blink and look away. If Cupid had been human he'd be laughing as he snorted through his nose and did a little dance with his feet. 

"We want to go look at the lights," Sam said when he and Adam found them in the same position a while later. 

Castiel blinked a few times to rewet his eyes and agreed. It had been too long for Castiel to even remember since he'd gone and looked at Christmas lights. He wasn’t even sure if he'd ever even gone out at night on a special trip with his parents to see them. The neighbor's lights in wherever they lived were all he'd ever seen. 

The tree was waiting by their car when they returned. Needing Dean to unlock it for them to place the tree atop, when that was finished the group headed off to the part of the farm the owners set up the lights in. Castiel was once again mesmerized by the way the snow reflected the lights. This time instead of being bathed in a heavenly grey there were colors. Red and green with blue and white danced around in his vision reflecting off the snow to make the world around him glow a rainbow he wished he could live in forever. The colors were bright on their own, the lights making them even brighter, he stared wide eyed in awe as they drove through and watched as penguins danced on a frozen lake. Presents rolled down a hill gradually getting smaller as they went before they reached Santa's red sack. Reindeer hooves moved as they ran into a jump and flew the sleigh. 

Before Castiel knew it he'd reached across the bench seat and grabbed Dean's hand to squeeze every time something new showed up on his side of the car, Dean did the same for his side. The lights came to an end as Santa's sleigh grew smaller in the distance followed by red lights spelling out 'Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night' and the trees moved back to small newly planted trees by the back entrance. 

"Wanna go get some dinner?" Dean asked as they turned back onto the road to take them back to Lawrence. 

"I- I don't have the money." Castiel stuttered his reply. He hoped Dean wouldn't try and take him to dinner. How do you explain you're not hungry when you're stomach is obviously growling it's anger to the opposite? 

"Don't worry about it," Adam said. "We didn't spend that much on the tree. We can afford it. Let's go to Wheatfields. I love their bread." His smile bright and comfortable to make Castiel calm enough to agree, after all if their bread was good he could always just eat that. 

-X- 

Dean was lost in his thoughts ever since Adam suggested dinner. He'd honestly thought about it, but knowing Castiel's problems with food, he wasn't sure how to go about dinner. 

Lunch at school was one thing, he could pretend to believe that Castiel would eat when he got home or that he simply just wasn't hungry. Dinner after spending half the night together, with no way that Castiel could lie about eating when he got home or before he left, would be a more difficult hurdle to jump. Wheatfields had bread though, it had salads and sandwiches that Cas could chose from. Something cheap that Cas could get away with saying he just didn't want the brothers to spend so much money on him. 

When they got to the restaurant Dean and Cas sat next to each other while Sam and Adam sat across from them. Their waitress, which happened to be Dean's friend from school Charlie, placed their menus in front of them and got their drinks before leaving. Dean watched as Cas looked like he was contemplating the smallest and cheapest thing to eat on the menu. 

"Cas, really, just get whatever you want. The price doesn't matter. I just want you to be happy with what you're eating." Dean whispered in Cas' ear. He hoped he didn't sound too much like he knew what Cas was doing, but at the same time he wished he could just scream at Cas to eat more. He knew the latter wouldn't go over to well though, so he hoped his words of encouragement worked better. 

Castiel chose to eat the focaccia, which was basically just a flat piece of bread, with a side salad. It wasn't much but it was exactly what Dean thought he'd pick. It was small in size and in price, but Cas still ended up eating less than half the bread. Sam and Adam shared a confused look at Castiel's tiny amount of food, but before Sam could question it Dean slightly shook his head to tell his brother not to comment. Sam, also as Dean expected, got the vegetable manicotti, Adam got crab cakes, and Dean ordered the only thing on the menu he recognized, chicken noodle soup. 

"If you're still hungry you can pick whatever out of our leftovers you want to take home." Dean whispered again in Cas' ear with a reassuring squeeze of his hand. 

All and all Dean counted the day as a success. As they dropped Castiel off with the tree, they promised to return the next day with lights and decorations. Cas mentioned that his parents would be at church and then go out with their friends from the congregation after and being gone for most of the day to return when it was dark. Dean could read the fear on Castiel's face as he allowed only Dean to follow him into the house to place the tree. The same fear was clear as Castiel's dad sat on the couch in the front room with a beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other looking at his son like he was someone else bringing a tree home. Castiel's father opened his mouth to speak before sighing loudly and drinking the rest of his beer and running to the kitchen to grab another. 

"Uhm. Thanks for today." Castiel said and quickly hugged Dean before his dad returned to the room. As Dean walked away he saw Sam at the end of the sidewalk before the car with the to go containers of Dean and Cas' food in his hands. He ran back to the house to give it back to Castiel, he wanted to talk to his friend again, but found him in a staring contest with his father, each daring the other to say something. Deciding it best to not get involved, just yet, Dean quickly and quietly walked to the kitchen to place the one box of his leftovers into the fridge and ran upstairs to put Cas' in his room. He was a little relieved he'd learned how to be fast and quiet living in his house. When he walked back through the living room Castiel and his father were still in their own world not paying attention to him and walked back to the car with his brother vowing to call Castiel when he got home to make sure his friend was okay. 

-X- 

After Castiel saw Dean's headlights leaving. He turned to his father, not even sure what the other man was screaming about he'd already tuned him out, and with a blank face walked past up to his room to lock himself in. The food he brought home forgotten in the kitchen as he lay on his bed and think over the events of the last few hours. 

He didn't dare assume that Dean had feelings for him other than friendship before now. But after their time in the barn, Castiel was sure they were about to kiss a few different times. Then at the restaurant, the encouraging words to eat, they were more than Castiel could ever tell himself. Food and his self-injury, they were a way to control things around him. He couldn't be in control of anything, until a few months ago his whole life consisted of just going to church and going home. It wasn't as if Castiel didn't like his time in the church, it was the only time that his family was together, but after the summer before his senior year things had changed in his church. They got a new pastor, and when he came along he fired Castiel's God-mom and youth leader, it was with the help of that that Castiel started to see the lies he'd been told from the church. It was with the help of leaving that he started to see the horrific things he'd been doing to his body. He knew he needed to stop doing what he was, but he wasn't sure how to go about it. It wasn't as if Dean would be some magical cure all to his problems, but if tonight was anything to go by, Dean would be of some help to push Castiel's mind out of the blackness it had been living in. 

Castiel hoped Dean would show him colors and tonight, he did. Castiel's world was shades of grey he only knew he'd see in the winter time, but they were what he waited all year to see. He never knew of all the colors and dances that those grey lights could become. Until Dean. Now Castiel knew that there were all sorts of hues of the rainbow that he'd heard so much about and never saw. Until Dean. So, no Castiel wouldn't assume Dean was the end all be all of his salvation, but he saw now that Dean was a step towards it. 

His phone rang a short time later, it was Dean making sure he was fine, he told Dean that he didn't even remember what his father was yelling about, but yes of course he was okay. 

"Why don't you have some of the bread I snuck into your coat then. I got your favorite." Dean's voice came over the receiver of the phone. Castiel pulled a confused look at his ceiling he'd been staring at for the conversation. 

"My coat?" Castiel questioned how Dean could put bread in his coat without him noticing. He's up off his bed and walking over to his coat not even hearing Dean's reply, just moving on autopilot to eat cause Dean told him to. He finds a small bag of asiago bread from the restaurant they were just at in the inside breast pocket of his coat. "How- how did you sneak that in my coat without me noticing?" 

Dean's laugh could be heard over the line, he must have said that when Cas wasn't paying attention. He repeated himself anyways. "When we were hugging goodbye. Sam had bought you a loaf when we were there, I didn't think you'd knowingly take it so when I gave you a hug I put it in your pocket. It's why Sam had to bring me the leftovers, cause I couldn't sneak the bread with them in my hands or you'd notice. By the way, my chicken soup is in your fridge and your bread is on your dresser." 

Castiel smiled to himself a bit at Dean and Sam being so concerned over him they'd gift him with food, he'd never had someone who cared for him so much. Not even Balthazar would do all that, and he was basically Cas' only friend before the Winchester's came along. Though, Castiel was beginning to wonder if how the brothers treated him was how friends were supposed to treat each other and if that was so if Balth was even his real friend after all. He knew that Balthazar cared deeply for him, they'd grown up in the church together, got baptized together. Hell, they'd even left the church together. But now Cas wasn't sure if that made them friends or brothers in arms or something else completely. 

"Sorry, I- I got lost in my head for a moment." Cas said after he realized Dean was probably waiting for a reply. He could feel that his voice cracked and he touched his cheek and felt his was crying. "I'm sorry. Thank you so much, you've been doing too much for me. I wish there was a way I could repay you." 

"You can," Dean's smile could be heard clearly in his words. "Go on a real date with me." 

A date? Castiel was confused yet again. His monologue from earlier coming back to him, the barn, he wasn't sure if there was something there, but now he was. But did he feel the same for Dean? Did he have feelings enough to go on a date with him, or did he have some kind of savior crush on the other? 

"Yes," Castiel heard himself say before he could think it through completely, there was no turning back then. He at least wanted to know where this would go. Dean had been so kind to him already, he was sure that Dean would continue to be kind. 

"How about New Years? There's a band playing at a bar I think you'd really like." 

"Dean, we can't get into a bar. We're only 18." 

"Actually, you're 18, I'm not turning that until next month. But the point still stands that I can get us in if you just say yes. I'll let you think about it though, you can tell me tomorrow, I've got to go for now." 

They said their goodbye's after Castiel said he'd think about it. He wanted to go. He was sure that whatever band Dean wanted him to hear would be good, and even besides that, the only concert he'd ever been to before was some Christian group he couldn't remember the name of even if he wanted to. This would be his first real concert, and he might even have to use a fake ID so that would be his first too. If Dean did like him and they kissed like people do on New Years, those two would be his firsts as well. As he opened and nibbled on the package of bread, Castiel couldn't help but be astounded by how many firsts he was thinking of handing over to Dean. Though he couldn't bring himself to regret it in the least. After finishing half the bread, sleep finally over took Castiel, his last thoughts were of his many firsts to come with Dean. 

-X- 

The next day brought the brother's back to Castiel's they all greeted him with hugs and gifts. Castiel fought with them over the gifts saying he didn't want nor need them, but each brother insisted that he take their gift. Sam bought him a book, it was one of Stephen King's short stories titled The Colorado Kid. Adam gave him a book as well, but his had blank sketching pages for the first half and lined writing papers for the last. Castiel’s eyes dried as he stared too long at the blank pages. He'd only mentioned in passing once to Adam that he liked drawing when he had art class in junior high, he didn’t even think Adam was listening to him. Dean gifted him a burned compact disk titled "The Moment". 

"It's by the band we're going to go see if you say you want to. I thought you should listen to some of their music beforehand and this is my favorite CD by them." 

Castiel smiled even though tears threatened to fall, they were the same happy tears he shed the night before. He wanted to ask why the brother's were being so nice to him, but thought better of it when he opened his mouth to ask. "Let's decorate this tree. After I'll cook us some lunch as thanks for everything." Cas wasn't sure, but he thought that was surprise in Dean's wide eyes for a moment, but it was gone to fast before he could decipher it. 

The tree decorating didn't take much longer than a half hour. Each one of them excited to decorate a tree for the first time in all their lives. Dean brought homemade decorations he and his brothers had made the night before. A chain made of red and green construction paper. Little paper snowflakes that they later showed Castiel how to make before adding them to the tree as well. Stale popcorn lined fishing wire wrapped around the tree before finally adding the tree topper. 

"I thought with your name we should make a tree topper that looked like you." Adam said shyly as he handed Castiel a paper angel with blue eyes and black hair and giant black wings behind it. "The black wings are because you see yourself as broken, but you aren't look." He continued quietly before flipping the angel around to show that there were tiny white wings on the back side. 

Castiel couldn't help but to run over to the youngest Winchester and suffocate him with a bone crushing hug. The tears now shedding freely as the two older brother's joined the hug. 

"You're perfect the way you are inside and out, Cas." Dean whispered in his ear as he proceeded to kiss his cheek. When they parted the hug Dean grabbed Cas by his hips and lifted him the extra few inches needed to reach the top of the tree. “Now what’s for lunch?” Dean asked breaking the ensuing silence.

"Burgers." Castiel said proudly. He'd learned over the time spent together at school that this was Dean's favorite food. He wasn't much of a chef, but he was sure it was easy to brown meat into a patty. It also helped that hamburger meat was the one thing the house had an abundance of. 

After a couple mistakes on the first few, Castiel learned that he really was good at cooking. The burgers came out perfect, if the moans of happiness that came out of the Winchester's full mouths were anything to go by. 

"You should cook more often, you’re amazing." Dean whispered the encouragement in his ear. Castiel blushed as red as the paper on the tree at Dean's words. Dean seemed to know exactly what he was thinking and said just what he needed to hear at the right moment. 

The brothers left after more hugs were given. Leaving Castiel alone in the house once again. His parents wouldn't be home for a while, he hoped they would like the tree. He grabbed the sketchbook Adam had given him, and opened to the first blank page. He’d never thought of drawing before, but figured he'd give it a go. With a pencil from his room in hand he sat down in front of the tree and started to draw it. 

He drew every pine needle and each design of different snowflakes. Proudly when he was done, he looked at the paper and saw he was actually good at drawing. An idea popped into his head that he'd draw the brother's pictures of themselves as a proper thank you. He walked back up to his room with all his presents in one hand and a leftover hamburger in the other. The CD placed in the player, set to repeat before he laid on his bed to finish the last bite of his food. Closing his eyes Cas remembered each detail of the three brothers. For Adam and Sam he just drew a portrait of each of them. For Dean he drew something a little different, he drew one of just Dean before drawing another of all the brothers and Castiel from his memory of the hour before from around the tree decorating. Before he knew it it was dark outside. Having already ate a meal and a snack for the day, he laid back, turned to stare at the ceiling, and listened to the words of the song playing now. 

"Well I swear to God we've been down this road before. The guilt no good and it only shames us more. And the truths that we all try to hide are so much clear when it's not our lives. We don't face the blame." 

Could that be it? Could Dean and his brothers see through the lies so easily cause they aren't living his life, or was it because they are but in a different way? Castiel knew the look on Dean's face when Adam mentioned their dad. Castiel knew he'd seen Dean with make up on his cheek more than a few times to cover something up. He knew he'd seen Dean limping before. He knew it all and yet he was too wrapped up in his own life that he never even thought anything of it. Here the brothers are taking him under their wing to protect him when he doesn't even get beaten. His dad was just a drunk that liked to yell while his mom was just an enabler that placates him with more alcohol. What did Castiel have to be ashamed about? Sure, his cutting was less about what happened around him and more about what happened inside his head. Control. That's what it had always been about. But did he actually have nothing to control or did he control everything to the point that he'd exiled himself to a life lived alone. Of course that was until the brothers came along to rescue him. 

"Now my bodies on the floor and I am calling. I am calling out to you, can you hear me now." 

Was Castiel calling out to Dean? Was that why Dean started to pay attention to him? Did he mistakenly move in some way that gave away the cuts on his body? Did Dean somehow know about them and want to make him stop? Was this all just a way for Dean to trick him into giving up the one thing he felt he had control over in his life? Pain. 

The songs continued on as Cas tried to bring his mind back from the dark places it was going. The next song was one that he recognized as being on a mix Balthazar gave him a few months before saying he thought Cas would like the band. 

"Tonight I'm reaching out to the stars. I think that he owes me a favor. It doesn't matter where you are, I'll hold you again. I wish I could hear your voice. Don't leave me alone in this bed. I wish I could touch you once more. Don't leave me alone in this bed. Not tonight. Not tomorrow." 

Wondering now led Castiel to think what it would be like to share a bed with Dean. Would they just cuddle? Would they kiss? Would they do other things? Did that mean Castiel had to be shirtless? If Dean didn't know about his cuts, well he was bound to find out sooner or later. How would he feel about the scars? Would they disgust him? Lifting up his shirt he looked down at his belly, his fingers danced over the scars there and down his ribs. Would Dean still find him attractive? 

Blanking his mind he rolled back over and opened up the sketchbook again. He filled page after page with dark figures that followed his brain, light figures that he wished would overthrow the dark ones. He flipped back and forth between the pages of drawings and writings, when his stomach growled. He stopped and looked down confused at where the noise came from. Glancing at his phone he saw it was nearly three in the morning. He reached over, sent Dean a text that he'd go to the concert with him, and that he loved the CD. He then decided to grab a piece of the bread leftover from his dinner the night before. 

_Maybe Dean is good for me._ Castiel thought as he sat on the chair by his window. He watched the angel's tears fall from the sky again until his bread was gone and his eyes closed with sleep finally quieting the racing thoughts. 

-X- 

The concert and the rest of the break went by quickly. Each passing second brought Castiel and Dean closer and closer. They shared their first kiss at the strike of midnight in the park on the swings after the concert. They held hands again as they drove with no destination in mind in Deans father’s Chevy Impala he called his baby. 

Before either of them knew it school was back on, but with the help of Dean and his brothers it was no longer something Castiel hated. There were still days that he pushed the brothers away and ran home to relieve himself of the pain in his brain, but those days were few and far between now. 

Dean's birthday came and went with he and Castiel having a sleepover in Dean's backseat as they watched the snow fall around them in a clearing in the woods. That night they became official as Dean whispered in Castiel’s ear that he’d wish he could call Castiel his boyfriend, and Cas replied with giving Dean another first as they made out until sleep interrupted them.

Their report was due soon. Even with all the time they had been spending together they forgot all about it until the teacher reminded them to work on it over spring break cause it was due two weeks after. 

Spring break was spent with Dean at his Uncle Bobby's house where he said the family spent every spring break. When Dean wasn't working with Cas on their project he was working on cars as Castiel sat back and drew him. They spent time with the brothers too, until the last day of break when it felt like their bubble was about to burst before the day even started. 

Castiel was changing the shirt he'd spilled soda on in his room when Dean opened the door without knocking. Hearing the door, Castiel turned around without thinking about what would be shown. It took him a moment until he noticed Dean was staring at his abdomen. He'd learned to eat more over the last few months, but he was still far from having a 'healthy diet'. Even though he'd been good, there were still a few newer cuts on his ribs. Dean moved slowly across the room, stopping in front of him, putting his hand out to touch the newest cuts. He opened his mouth to speak, but Castiel smacked the hand away before he could and backed away to get dressed. 

"Should we work on the project some more?" Castiel questioned, hoping to change the subject. 

"I have something to confess first." Dean said, surprising the other that he didn't let the subject change. "I already knew." 

With those three words the world came crashing down around Castiel, his fears from over Christmas break all came back to him with a vengeance as Dean explained following Castiel home from school one day before Thanksgiving break and seeing him cutting himself. How that led him to want to look out for Castiel. Which led him to beating up anyone who dared make fun of Cas or even looked at him cross. How he'd seen the ribs that protruded from his skin crying out for sustenance. How all of that led to Dean buying Castiel bread cause it was the most simple thing to eat on a stomach that didn't get much food. 

How their whole relationship was built on a lie, or so Castiel thought. Cas had assumed that he was better at hiding his faults than he was and it angered him that Dean was calling him out on them saying he knew all along. 

"That's why I pushed for Princess Diana for our report. She had a history of self-harm and eating disorders. I hoped that if you saw that even a princess could have problems, that it was okay that you had them too." 

Castiel refused to listen to anymore and quickly packed his bags before running to Bobby asking him to take him home, thankfully the older man didn't ask any questions and took Castiel home. He spent the rest of the break ignoring Dean. 

Dean spent the rest of break trying to figure out a way to make it up to Cas. He didn't mean to lie, hell to him it wasn't lying. Even though he knew Castiel was giving him the cold shoulder Dean still texted every few hours to let his boyfriend know that he still cared for him. He still wanted to date or just friends, but it was up to Cas and what he wanted to choose. 

"I love you." Dean had typed it out multiple times waiting for the right time to say it. In a fight wasn't the right time. Right? He didn't have the best role models in his parents to show him what the right way was to say those words. Dean knew didn't say them to his brothers that often. Though, through his actions is how he showed them. But how did he show Cas he loved him through actions when the other was ignoring him? 

Back at school it was now quieter without Cas' laugh echoing in his ear, without his bass voice speaking to him. Castiel still talked to Sam and Adam though, and that was enough for Dean. He saw his brother's sitting with Castiel at lunch, his boyfriend still smiling and participating in conversations. Even nibbling on his food, that was a step backwards but even with that Dean still hoped that his brothers could pull Cas out of this funk. 

-X-

"I loved you." Castiel had typed out that beginning to every text he tried to send Dean. I loved you, but you lied. I loved you, but you knew my secrets all along and didn't tell me you did. I loved you, but I know you'll leave when I push you away for too long. 

All his energy was spent finishing up the project. Handing it over to Sam to play the middle man, Dean's brother had such a sad look in his eyes asking why he wouldn't hand it over himself. 

"We're still dating. Tell him that. But right now, I need to figure some things out." 

The CD Dean had given him played on repeat so much that Castiel took out his phone and looked up the songs on youtube. So he could listen to the songs he loved so much without them skipping on him. The song Hear Me Now, played over and over on repeat, it was the first song Castiel closely listened to the lyrics of. He had called out for help without realizing it, without meaning to, but that that really change that he'd found help and love. The prayers he didn't realize he'd sent out to heaven brought him an angel in the form of a tall dirty blonde with freckles. The snowy angel's tears didn't fall in spring, but he still saw the angels every time he looked at the kisses left by them on Dean's face. They were like an answer, each of them held a kiss that Castiel had laid there. Every one of them held a promise that the angels were always looking out for him through Dean. 

He knew then that Dean was his savior, but he went on ignoring Dean as Cas worked on his life without Dean's help. Dean couldn't always be there to save him, he had to do it himself too. He went out and found himself a job that would pay enough so he could move out into his own apartment within the month. He broke his silence to Dean to send a text of his excitement of moving out. 

Over the next month Castiel saved the checks he got and worked all the hours after school he could. He texted Dean every time he had a free moment. They spoke all the time at school again. Things were getting back to normal. They finished their project, recieving a B on it. School would end next week and the following weekend Castiel would be moving into his new apartment. 

College was the next hurdle they had to face. It started many fights between them. Dean tried to get Castiel to realize he was smart enough to go to any school he wished, while Castiel tried to get Dean to figure out the same thing. Their fights came to a draw when they both discovered they were both accepted to a local university. 

"Move in with me," Castiel asked while Dean was helping him move. They hadn't talked about it, but everytime Castiel listened to the song "Alone in this Bed" he thought about what it would be like to live with Dean. "We're going to the same school anyways and the apartment is a short walk away from it anyways. Please?" 

"Like you even have to beg." Dean smiled, "of course I'll move in with you. I wouldn't have it any other way." Moving in with Cas only scared Dean because of the uncertainty of what would happen to his brothers being alone with their father. He hoped that in six months when Cas' lease ended they could get a bigger place where his brothers could move in with them. If they all worked they could possibly pay a larger sum of a rent.

They had lived together for about four months before Dean even caught a glimpse of Castiel shirtless again. He'd been trying hard not to enter into the bedroom or bathroom without knocking first, it was annoying to do so, but he knew Castiel didn't feel comfortable with his body just yet. Though, Dean hadn't known that Castiel was changing, nor did he know Castiel was in the bathroom on that day. Castiel's face was red with embarrassment, a few lines on his belly that were maybe a couple days old were just as red as his cheeks. Dean smiled fondly, some marks were better than a lot. Progress, as they say. 

"I'm sorry," Dean said, ducking his head and covering his eyes out of reflex. "I didn't know you were in here." 

"Dean?" His boyfriend said in a small voice. "I'm sorry." Dean could hear his voice crack at the end and looked up to see his boyfriend looking down with the shirt he was going to put on held limp in his hand. "I've been trying so hard. I'm eating and I'm cooking, but I can't help it." 

"No. No, baby, don't cry." Dean said taking two large steps to crowd his boyfriend into a suffocating hug. "I know you're trying. I don't want to change you though. You have to change for yourself. Not me." Dean licked a tear off Castiel's cheek before leaving small kisses all over Cas' face. "You're perfect. You're beautiful. Your scars are what make you special. You're amazing and you light up my day. Nothing would ever change that." 

Each word was said between kisses. He hoped Castiel heard them and listened to them this time. He'd been trying to convince his boyfriend of his worth for the whole ten months they'd known each other, by now. Every time he hoped Castiel would see them as truth, yet every time until now Cas pushed him away and would be distant until Dean stopped trying. 

Finally though, his boyfriend looked up with red rimmed eyes and stared into Dean’s. "Really? Even like this?" He asked, stepping back and dropping the shirt putting his arms out wide giving Dean a clear view of every scar and imperfection his skin held. 

"Especially like this." Dean said getting on his knees to hug Castiel's stomach where most his scars lay. "You wouldn't be you without your life story written out on your skin like this." 

Though the words were never spoken allowed before in one particular order, that night Dean whispered them every chance he got. "I love you," he whispered into Castiel's scars. "I love you," was embellished into the newer marks on Castiel's body. "I love you," Dean almost begged as he repeated it into the spaces between all the lines that Cas once saw as weakness, wishing with his adoration those scars would once just be a reminder of how far he came and never again seen as how far he had fallen before someone came around to pick him up. 

Castiel would still have problems with food and showing emotions through things other than harming himself. But they worked on it together, as one, and slowly their world got better. Without high school and parents, the world was brighter to Castiel and Dean. Their relationship thriving over the summer as they spent every second they weren't working together forgetting anyone else was even alive. None of them mattered when they were curled around each other on the warm summer nights that turned into cool fall ones cuddled together to be warm. By the time winter rolled around again Castiel brightened up when the first snow fell and finally broke his silence, speaking the words back that Dean had repeated over the months. "I love you," he whispered into Dean's hair as his boyfriend grumbled into his chest about having to sit in the cold window seat of their apartment to watch the angel's tears fall.

**Author's Note:**

> Well, there you have it. You made it through one of the more emotional and plot driven stories I've ever written. I want to say a huge thank you to both Amanda and Angel who helped me through this story 
> 
> Edit ;; January 3, 2018 ;; This is edited now and all the sentence are complete. Lol.
> 
> I'm sorry if this story made no sense to those who have never gone through these things or knew people who did. But the reality of these are that they hit everyone for different reasons and sometimes there is no "reason" that people can put their finger on but a bunch of little reasons that the person felt snowball into one thing.  
> Dean was never meant to be a savior, I hope I let that shine through. Because sometimes a deep love for someone isn't enough to be a 'cure' but more of a bandaid to help soothe until the person feels better.  
> Now I'm done preaching and like I said I hope you guys enjoyed reading this story.
> 
> Also, if you wanted more information about Princess Diana since I didn't actually add that part into the story, here's some links for you.
> 
> [Link #1, where I got Princess Diana's name from](https://www.cbsnews.com/pictures/celebrity-cutters-7-beauties-who-hurt-themselves/8/) . [YouTube Link](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X8aFt4iME8Y) . [Link #2](https://www.therichest.com/celebnetworth/politician/royal/princess-diana-net-worth/) . [Link #3](http://livethroughdepression.blogspot.com/2006/01/princess-diana-and-self-harm.html) . [Link #4](http://www.royalinsight.net/forum/index.php?topic=46949.0)  
> [Link #5](http://www.nytimes.com/books/first/s/smith-diana.html) . [Link #6](http://www.ibtimes.co.uk/princess-diana-secret-tapes-allege-she-tried-self-harm-after-prince-charles-wedding-1625823) . [Link #7](https://nypost.com/2017/06/26/how-diana-carefully-crafted-her-image-as-the-peoples-princess/)


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